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I’ve always been a thrifter of everything—plastic bags, takeout containers, and clothes hangers for the dryer—but it’s hard for me to part with the clothes I love. The closet at my parents’ house (where I haven’t lived for more than fifteen years) is still filled with a few of my favorite clothes: a red peasant dress I wore almost every day in second grade, and a pink sweatshirt with a teddy bear. Cars on top of it have slogans from various parties from high school to old college t-shirts. Most of these outfits have a happy relationship, but sometimes keeping everything on means you’re having trouble letting go.
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When I moved to New York in 2002, in the wake of 9/11, I had a well-paying job at a corporate law firm. I also fell into a sudden and emotional relationship, which you only get when you’re in your twenties and new to New York when you feel like love is going to solve all your problems. Although he was a great guy, it didn’t last. I remember what I was wearing when I finally felt it was over: a pink wrap skirt and a mid-rise T-shirt. When I went to meet him for what would be our last conversation for a long time, I felt like Carrie Bradshaw: brave and ready to put my heart on the table.
So I started shopping so that I could buy something that would make everything better.
Needless to say, my bold move didn’t pay off, and the damage turned into more damage, the release of my identity. I was dissatisfied with my job. I’ve moved companies hoping that different environments would do the trick, but I still have the same feelings, an irrational sense of dread and a sick boredom that runs deep in my gut. So I started shopping so that I could buy something that would make everything better. I took my lunch break and online shopping on the way home from work. I spent a Saturday afternoon alone at a local temple, where vendors would bring me whatever I liked and hug me as if they were their friends.
I wasn’t alone here. My friends and I used to joke that shopping was a socially acceptable way to express our feelings. As Manta says, “Treat yourself!” But for me it quickly became a stick. In shopping for therapy, I thought about what I could buy with the money I spent on shopping and therapy. For example, hunting for the perfect navy dress—not too primitive, not too tight—has replaced sitting with my feelings. There was always something new to buy, something else to lust after.
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A few years later, clothes were everywhere: piled behind chairs, stacked inside and on top of unused suitcases, and spilled under the bed. Most of them still have tags on them, wrapped in the pink and lavender tissue paper that stores use to hide your extras, and the coupons are arbitrarily folded in thirds. There were frosted silk shirts with delicate ties and pleated cashmere sweaters. Some are the lawyer outfits I’ve come up with: tailored pants and crisp lace. .
Worse than not being able to find something that works for me, I’ve reached a level of debt that I can’t sustain. I couldn’t make the minimum payment, and when I called to accept the credit card offer in the mail, it was declined. Still, I kept buying. I always find a way. A therapist of mine told me it was all about my sensory needs, that I needed more touch, that I was so sensitive. It asked me to rethink the sensations I love: the crispness of freshly washed sheets, the satisfying crunch of beading while playing with necklaces, the tears shed when someone washes my hair at the salon.
One Saturday, I walked past a store that had a jet black fringe jacket in the window that I thought I wanted. It was beautiful: lovely and round, with a long hug of a calf. I couldn’t afford it – it was thousands of dollars, but I bought it on a set plan, stopping every few months to pay a few hundred dollars here or there. I’ve only ever heard of blueprints for furniture or appliances. I think the coat has the same need for me. I wore it on an icy mid-February night, slipping on heels outside a bar, and tried it on with my ex-boyfriend, who I thought I might find love with again.
I can easily see how people think I’m privileged and selfish, and I feel the same way. In some ways this is unfair. I’m not referring to my particular situation, but the only word I can find for it is feeling stupid, but I don’t feel like a stupid person, just a very sad word. I finally called my therapist and couldn’t help whispering over the phone that I thought I was a “compulsive shopper.” I got the term from a book describing ways to track and control expenses, and it has appeal to me as someone who likes to eat calories. I hid the book in the back of the cabinet under the TV and got down on my hands and knees to pull it out every so often, like I would stick a minty Milano under my bed in college.
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The truth is, there’s nothing fun, cute or glamorous or feminine about having trouble with money.
I think it’s unfair, because people sympathize with binge eaters, or at least the vaguely patronizing view that they’re “eating their feelings”—stopping as a way to cope with the feeling is largely normalized. Without even giving much thought to why and what part they are trying to fill, it has become a sport to watch women shop variously on television. Shows like the Real Housewives franchise allow viewers to watch women shop for things, things that are totally worthless, things that are luxurious. People laugh, but there is nothing light about my situation. The truth is, there’s nothing fun, cute or glamorous or feminine about having trouble with money.
I used to watch TLC’s What Not to Wear and was always so moved when women cried when they wore clothes that meant who they wanted to be for the first time, not who they thought they were. Clothing is desirable. It’s a way to cover ourselves up and feel different. It works up to a point, but it’s not a permanent solution. Finally, the clothes must come off. Still, I wanted to believe that I could change.
On those nights when I see no clothes on, I thought I’d sell some of my clothes on eBay. It was a way for me to cleanse myself of what had begun to feel oppressive and now represented all the debt and grief I struggled with. eBay also offers the benefit of anonymity – no one needs to know what I’m doing. I chose a vendor web ID unrelated to my name: My Favorite Flower. I invested in some indestructible white Tyvek envelopes and tissue paper and started taking photos.
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I started with items I had never worn and wrote the descriptions using eBay language “NWT”, “NWOT”. Positive responses were overwhelming at first. eBay is self-policing, which means buyers can rate you as a seller and leave information about you as an eBay-er. Better prices lead to better sales. I’d say “A++++++”, “Great seller, nice lady”, “Love the pants!” I started getting comments like My review is, overall, except for someone who complained that I sent him a pair of pants with stains.
Buoyed by my success, I became addicted to the feeling of loss and began to pour it all out, just as I was addicted to the buying cycle.
Driven by my success, I am
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