Weird Stories Of The Week – 1. Now that’s what I call stupid: In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date. He rented a Redbox movie and made pizza. We were watching the film and the oven beeped so the pizza was done. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.” Then I watched this boy open the oven and take the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs. We never had a second date.
2. The fake report card: I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card. I did this every quarter that year. I forgot they mailed the end of year cards home, and my mom got it before I could intercept my hoax. She was PISSED – at school about their mistake. The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mom’s “test” (the fake ones I did throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.
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3. All the fish: I went to this girl’s party the week after she beat the crap out of my friend. While everyone was getting trashed, I went around putting tuna inside all the curtain rods and so as weeks went by and they couldn’t figure out why the house smelled like death. They captured me through this video where these guys were at the party singing Beyoncé while I was in the background with a can of tuna.
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4. How to win at video games: When I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game like
. And if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “What is your eye color?” and if you did it right it would tell you your password. So we will go to popular locations
And write down random usernames that were also in those areas, and then I’ll log out and type the username as if it were my username and see which of these usernames had a security question to set to “What is your eye colour?” (Which is most of them, as it was easy and we were all children). I would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always go in, then I would go to their house and send all their furniture and decorations to my own accounts. And if I didn’t want it, I could sell it for money.
5. Drama in my drama class: One time the teacher of my drama class had gone home sick so we were put in a classroom with a film to entertain us for the period when the alarm went off. None of us were sure if it was the fire alarm or the lockout alarm, so we all go out into the hall to check and there’s no one out there, so we go back inside and climbs under our desks in the same manner as the locking procedure. Cut to an hour or so later when a teacher bursts in and nearly dies of relief because the school was on fire and we were the only students unaccounted for and half the faculty and the fire department had been searching about us for a long time. Literally, the whole school was filled with smoke while keeping extremely safe under our wooden desks.
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6. I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard: My whole class got detention once because I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard and when the teacher went to wipe it off the board all the fluff came off and stuck to the glue I never got in trouble because my whole class found it too funny to tell the teacher it was me.
7. The day my teacher stole my headphones: During my sophomore year in high school, we were doing quiet work and my history teacher said we could listen to music but if it was too loud it would be “ break our headphones.” so I’m doing my work quietly with my music on low, and this obnoxious kid sitting next to me had his music really loud. I could hear it over my music but I ignored it. My teacher thought it was me. So he comes up to me and rips off my BRAND NEW Apple headphones, looking merciless. He suddenly realized that he was the man next to me and was completely embarrassed. He came in the next day with a new pair and a taped apology note for them. He couldn’t look me in the eye for the rest of the year.
8. O—semen: When I was in secondary school, I was quite quiet around people who weren’t my friends. The high school wrestling coach also taught geometry, and he was my teacher. This resulted in many wrestlers skipping class and barging into our classroom to hang out and not get in trouble. One day, seven wrestlers come in shouting about new wrestling outfits, and how excited they were. When they go over and take out the uniforms, the whole class is kind of side eyed. Even without what I’ll mention next, the suits look funny. I mean, it’s tight royal blue Spandex with a suspender style top. Totally funny already. But the wrestlers grab the costumes and rush out of the room to go change in the bathroom, and come back to show them off. Which is also hysterical because Spandex hides NOTHING; you could see all their junk.
Anyway, we live in a town called Ocean City. It is commonly abbreviated as “OC”. On the back of the Spandex outfit, it says Ocean City Men in big letters. Except… they used the abbreviation. On the back, it says OC MEN. Which is not terrible, but then I sound it in my head. AD MEN. Oh – semen. I almost spat out the water I was drinking.
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I looked around frantically, trying to figure out who I could tell, because I didn’t have any friends to tell in this class. I turn to the girl next to me, and I had no idea who she was and had never spoken to her before. I told her what I found and we both got angry.
All the time she saw me as the quiet teacher’s pet who was shy as hell. The first words out of my mouth were “It says o semen.”
9. Ow, my shit!: When I was a kid, I was always excited to learn new vocabulary. When I was in first grade, my teacher taught me that “shin” is another word for leg.
Later that day, I was walking with my mother, when I tripped and hit my leg on the ground very hard. I yelled “OW, MY SHIN” even though mom heard “OW, MY SHIT.” She started yelling about how that was a bad word and we didn’t say that word, and she was going to wash my mouth out with soap. I was a crying, whining mess of a child, to the point I was making the weird, stuttering, little noise. She paused to bother me and said “Who taught you that word?!” Of course, I told the truth and said “M-m-my teacher t-t-t-taught me that word!” and she started ranting about how she was going to call the school and get that teacher to shout.
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I tried to explain, “T-te-teacher said shin meant leg I’m SORRY ILL N-N-NE-ne-never say it again.” My mother became calm and realized her mistake. “…What did you say?”
Of course I started crying harder and said “NO, it’s just a test, you’re going to wash my mouth out with soap again.”
When I finally calmed down enough to say it again, my mom apologized and to this day I always say “shin” out loud just to see her face blush.
10. I swear to God: I have a friend that I have known since I was very small. One day, when he was six, I was at his house when he had this absolutely god-awful stomach ache. I mean, he was literally writhing in pain. So, his mother took him to the doctor’s office, where the doctor took one look and told her to take him to the ER. She feared something like an intestinal rupture. About halfway to the hospital, my friend suddenly let out the loudest, most powerful fart we’ve ever heard. I swear to God he levitated. We thought the upholstery in the car seat was torn. After a good 30 seconds of intense farting, he looked at his mother and said, “I feel better now!”
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11. We don’t have a fucking doorbell: So a few years I moved out of state with a boyfriend. Really excited about it but with reason to be worried about being so far from friends and family. One of the ways
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